I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
