At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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