i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
