Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
