Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
