She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
