why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
