Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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