I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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