Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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