My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
