Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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