You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
two words...techno handjob
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
