I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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