Girls should come with a carfax report
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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