I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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