So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
