if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
