i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
