Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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