the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
