It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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