life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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