does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I want you more than these girls want KFC
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Sext me about skeletons
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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