what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
