my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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