I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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