just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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