I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i've created a new STD.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
