apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
