please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
