It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
