He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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