My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
