I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
