Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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