Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
