Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
