Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
They are going to name an STD after you.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
