Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
