You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
