i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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