im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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