I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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