I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
