It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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