I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I CAN MOONWALK!
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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