If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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