My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
