god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
birth control should be required to get into college
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
