I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
