You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
